(Tuesday, 2002-Aug-08)

Once upon a time, there was a Lion and a Tulip. They fell in love and decided to get married.

Lion asked the Tulip, "What shall we serve at the wedding reception?"
Tulip answered, "anything photosynthetic is fine with me."

Tulip asked the Lion, "How will we make our living?"
Lion answered, "well, I eat the living."

Lion asked the Tulip, "my parents want to see a cub soon."
Tulip answered, "okay, I'll tell you when my pistil is ready."

After a while, the Tulip and the Lion realized that things weren't working
out. "I don't know what the root of our problem is," said the Tulip.
The Lion answered, "that's exactly it. I don't have any."

Cross-cultural marriage has gained much acceptance and recognition in today's international society. It has become a lifestyle option rather than forbidden love story. Just around myself, there are American-Japanese, Chinese-Japanese, Korean-Japanese, Indian-Japanese, and Indian-Swiss
couples. But like other marriages, it is not all about words of love (what is?). In fact, it requires a lot more than regular sweet verse when Romeo and Juliet become larger-than-life.

1. Cultural difference: difference in standards. Your spouse belching to express gratitude for a meal is still cute. It won't be too funny when your day's salary can't even afford a coke in the country of your better-half. Or when you look outside the window of your spouse's home and realize the cloud is smog. Or when your partner's hometown does not have infrastructure provided to read my columns. Or ruthless terrorist or not finding a private toilet continuously threatens your life.

2. Religious/Political issues: "A Christian man and a Muslim woman, who married against the wishes of her family, were hacked to death by the wife's brothers in Bangalore, June 2002. The husband had ignored repeated demands by his wife's family that he must convert to Islam. The couple had been
frequently changing residences to avoid her enraged Muslim family members. The killers abducted their 1-year-old daughter" Whom do we blame?

3. Social status: sadly, having an alien family member can mean a disgrace to the tribe. It can affect the social status of you and your family (and vise versa, of course). A foreigner will always be a foreigner. You have to face discrimination throughout your marital life. It can even affect employment. In a foreign country, work can be limited. From my personal observation, it helps if you were the leader of the pack or a local Bill Gates, who you will always be regarded as "you" and not "a person who married a foreigner".

4. Personal requirements: Maybe your beau doesn't want to settle in your country. Maybe your belle wants to become an ice skater when you live in the tropics. Maybe you want to go DINKS while your partner wants a baseball team of your kids. His/her future goal not complying with your own is not limited to international marriage, but as you grew up on different principles, your goals and expectations are more likely to divert.

5. Children issues: hybrid car was a wonderful invention. But a Tulion or Foxabbit or Monkat can knit one's brows. Especially in a traditional society, children do not like outsiders and pick on those who are different. Children of mixed race can often suffer dark childhood.

What I notice is that the more these points matter to each person/society/country, the more barrier of marriage. Some people are committed to things that love cannot just overrule, such as society,
religion, family, dream, or power (and how ironic the same reasons can be the cause of war).

To me, love is about respect. It is sometimes arduous, but is often jovial, enchanting, and exciting. It rewards you virtue and enlightenment. It's doesn't give you directions, but it grants you power to carry on. I'm yet to find out the meaning of any kind of marriage, but I'm sure the most important thing in a multi-cultural marriage is that you understand each other's needs, including your own.

"Lion, do you think our marriage was a mistake?" asked the Tulip. The Lion thought for a while.
"I don't know. Let's find out along the road," said the Lion.
"Yes, the life is a long road," said the Tulip.
"Yes, a long winding road," said the Lion.

Rajkumari